Don't invite me if you don't want my truth.

"Fuck being rational, give 'em what they ask for." - Kendrick Lamar

Forever standing in my truth.

Yesterday I read a post from We Need A Black Woman in Charge, a substack by Zuri Stevens that finally freed me to write about an experience that threw me into a spiral and left me unable to write about any of the fun and lighthearted travel information I wanted to share with you all. This was just too heavy and I need to get it off my chest.

Last month, I was invited by a travel organization to participate in a mentorship program to work with people in the early stages of their careers of becoming a travel writer. Since I’ve been in this game for more than 13 years, I was so excited to share some of the knowledge I’ve gained and pass along what was given to me by a few travel writers who helped me when I was young buck. I was paired with a luminous and smart young Black woman who shared the same passions that I do, sharing the stories of Black culture around the world, and we were so excited to engage in the itinerary that was prepared for us that was focused on the Black and Indigenous cultural experiences within the destination.

From the first activity we had, I could tell the organization missed the mark. While we learned a lot, the trip was riddled with missteps including people not expecting us when we showed up, and folks that didn’t seem to know exactly why we were there. The intention of the program was to experience these activities so that my mentee could later write about them for a blog post on the destination’s website, yet a few of the tours and meet ups seemed to think we were there to interview them as opposed to going on tours. There was also a moment in a spa where we realized that another pair of attendees had full treatments in the spa while we did not. The reasoning for this was later explained and completely valid, but the optics were bad, making it appear as if we were getting the short end of the stick. Throughout our two days in the destination, I was vocal with the destination team about what we experienced, as it was begged from us from the beginning that the they wanted real-time feedback throughout every part of our trip.

As the mentor, I felt that it was my role to share our feedback, as opposed to my mentee sharing it, although she was with me the entire time and we both experienced these things. I spoke to one member of the team over the phone during our trip who was so receptive, and I felt seen and heard, so much so that I spoke openly and unfiltered. I learned the hard way that this was a mistake. Figuring this would be the end of the feedback sharing portion of the trip, we continued our day and hoped for a calm and peaceful ending to the trip.

In her post titled “Come for me, I don’t Care” Zuri writes about her own experience being silenced by a predominately white organization who hired her as a consultant, then fired her after she shared her feedback. She states:

“The reality though is that the client, a group of bitter and frustrated white women, demanded total and complete submission. I wasn't ever supposed to contradict what they said even when what they said was wrong. I was expected to obey and comply without question. How dare me, the lowly, Black woman have an opinion on anything? How dare me ever challenge them?…I knew a week after I got into the new gig, even though I was hired for my expertise, at the end of the day, what was required was for me to submit.”

I started shaking when I read her words and I’m shaking with anger as I now write these. On the final day of my trip, I accompanied my mentee on our final group experience which was a night of stargazing. I didn’t want to go because I was exhausted, but I felt that pressure that so many Black women feel about not wanting to appear as the bad guy. The one person that decides to put themselves first, but then gets labeled as not a “team player”.

Upon entry to the stargazing experience, I was ambushed and cornered by the head of this travel organization. An older white man that I had not had a full conversation with the entire time we were there, but who had heard some of my feedback that had seemingly been twisted like through a game of telephone.

As soon as we arrived to the stargazing experience, he turned to me and said “I hear our trip has not lived up to your expectations.” At this moment, warning bells started going off in my head. My mentee continued walking to join the group but he repeated the passive aggressive comment to me, demanding a response. I laughed and said that yes, there have been a few missteps, but I quickly realized he was pissed and not joking. He became more upset, barely covering his anger to the point that I turned to him and said “Are you ok? You seem upset".

He made it clear that I was the problem. He said “we’ve done this program for three years and you are the only person to complain.” He even went so far to share his unsolicited first impressions of me, one being that he was upset that I asked for signage on our first night over a platter of food that none of us knew what the ingredients were. I gave him a blank stare and said “I cannot believe you are taking it as a personal attack that I asked what was in the food when another attendee was standing next to me who was vegetarian and didn’t know what she could eat.” He said I came off as ungrateful.

At this point I said “Ok, I’m not doing this. Sure, I’m the problem. Whatever makes you feel better.” He accused me of bad-mouthing the organization to their partners, while I repeated that they were the ones who demanded our feedback, yet are now demonizing people who offer it.

I tried to walk away and he followed. I threatened to scream as by this point I’m in tears and he quickly tried to de-escalate the situation. He eventually apologized repeatedly, stating that he wanted to figure out from me where they went wrong because he felt like the organization failed us in our experience.

I said to him “And you really felt like this was the best way to go about it? That is not how you started this conversation. You should have started it with a question about what we experienced on our trip instead of ambushing me wth passive aggressive comments and not including both myself and my mentee in this conversation.”

By this point, he is regretful and nearly in tears himself. I didn’t care. How many times have we seen white people weaponize their tears so that we become the aggressor? He said that the last thing he wanted was for a young Black journalist (my mentee) to feel like they didn’t have a good experience as everyone else.

Again I said “And what about this exchange? What about the power dynamics here? You really thought that it was appropriate for you, an older white man and Vice President of this organization to corner me, a Black journalist and make it seem like I’m single-handedly trying to destroy you over mistakes you all have made?” He hung his head in silence. I was competely sobbing at this point, with my nervous system feeling shot to hell.

Zuri Stephens says in her post: “A friend of mine, a professor at Harvard recently said that this was “Black fleecing”, a little bit like green washing, but you use Black people to make others believe that you are working with Black people and including Black people in your decision making. But when time comes to make a decision, you don't let them. You silence them.”

I would not be silenced. We eventually got to a place in the conversation that was calm where I shared what I felt could have been done better, but I was roiling inside and only offered the appearance of calm as a means of self-preservation. I could not believe his caucasity. Eventually, while he talked, I dissassociated, staring into space until he finished apologizing. He asked if I was ok and I said I was shell-shocked. He apologized again as I stated that this whole exchange felt fitting as the end of a trip that was a mess. He was despondent.

The next morning I recounted the entire experience with my fiance and cried and shook the entire time. I told him that I would be sharing no more feedback with the team, but would be telling my mentee everything that happened. I wanted her to know how organizations will try to act like they want your expertise and lived experience, but then gaslight you over it, but it doesn’t mean we stop speaking up. It doesn’t mean we stop sharing our stories.

Zuri says it better than I could have put into words: “At the end of the day, it's about preserving my authenticity, my dignity, my sense of self. And when I think about it, even further, as I did, for quite a while last night as I lay in bed, "I need to model the behavior I want my kids to follow. I need to model that behavior to make sure that they don't take shit in the world”.”

The organization invited my mentee and I back to experience the destination again so they could try to right their wrongs, but I won’t be going back under their tutelage. I refuse to be a sacrificial lamb. I will continue sharing my truth and holding these destinations accountable. I will not share the version of the stories they want me to tell.

So this is for all the DMOs and travel organizations out there: don’t invite me if you don’t want my truth. If I can plainly see the systemic racism in your organization and your destination, I will talk about it. This doesn’t make me the bad girl, it means that you need to DO BETTER.

S

P.S. Thank you Zuri Stevens for your honesty and your authenticity. Thank you for your courage in wiritng your piece and for helping me to find my own courage. Thank you Shiela Harmon Martin and Yancey Martin for raising me to be a woman who knows exactly who she is and where she belongs in this world. You both are the best parents a child could ask for.

P.P.S. I will not be naming the organization or the destination. They don’t deserve anymore of my time or energy.