My full time job almost stole my creativity.

I think I'm done trying to make 9-5 jobs work for me.

I am not built for corporate life. I’m finally done pretending.

Some of you may remember that I took on a full-time role at a travel magazine back in December and it almost broke my brain. I am under no false pretenses about the state of the media industry right now as well as the economy. Especially within travel, my industry is seeing publications fold left and right, but for those that remain around, I have to wonder at what cost?

Don’t get me wrong, I felt extremely lucky to get a full-time editing job offer within the media industry at the end of last year, especially after a wedding that still needed to be paid for. I went into my role hopeful but with my eyes wide open to the fact that I have never had the best track record working for someone other than myself. Every full time job I’ve ever had has tried to force me into a mold that I never fit. I could play the game for perhaps a couple years or so, but in addition to feeling like I had a higher calling, I never liked the idea of using my brain and heart to make someone else wealthy. Not to mention, oftentimes being either the only one or one of a few Black women in the workplace meant that I had to play the code-switching game that made my skin crawl. So often I was made to feel like I was hired for my expertise and perspective, but then when I actually tried to share that expertise and perspective, no one wanted to hear it. It’s the token experience that so many Black women are familiar with.

When I worked as an entrepreneur/freelance writer and editor, I obtained the freedom I craved. No more working with people I didn’t respect. No more working for clients who were complete assholes. No more trying to fit my most productive hours between 9 am and 5 pm. And most importantly, no more deceiving myself into thinking that I was working in a creative role when in actuality, the role only wanted my creativity in a very specific way and on demand. That’s actually not how creativity works at all. When an artist is expected to be creative on a deadline and with a highly specific audience in mind, that does no service to the artistry. But executives don’t understand (or care about) that. Neither do project managers, account managers, or “leaders” who determine success by traffic goals.

Look, I get it. A business needs to make money in order to pay its employees. But what happens when those creative employees become so stifled that they lose all sense of their creativity? Or what happens when those same employees get pushed by their employers to use artificial intelligence, the same entity that threatens their livelihood? Yes, in various media positions I’ve held, using AI has become part of the role. I can’t wrap my mind around it. You seriously want me to use my creativity to train artificial intelligence to take my job? Nah, I’m good.

I played the game for as long as I could, even using AI when directed (I’m having so much full-body shame as I type this) and I could literally feel the use of AI damaging my brain. I’ve learned that the brain is like a muscle when it comes to writing. If you don’t use it, you will surely lose it. Using AI to help me write a snappy headline or a photo caption all of a sudden made it feel impossible for me to write a substack post. I couldn’t recall certain words to express a sentiment in my writing, I had trouble writing an instagram caption. It scared me.

Although the use of AI isn’t the exclusive reason as to why I’m leaving this job (it really was just the tip of the iceberg), it’s just another example of a full-time role trying to put me into a box that I don’t fit. I understand the need to evolve and grow as an industry changes, but that doesn’t mean that I have to sacrifice my values and the core of who I am in order to do so.

In addition to the use of AI, a misalignment of values is another major reason why I’m going back to my roots of working for myself. I’ve learned the hard way that no matter what a company’s mission statement may say, a business’ number one goal is to make money, no matter where it comes from. A business generally cannot afford to make a financial decision the same way that a human can. All money ain’t good money, and I never want to be put in a position to take money from morally corrupt sources. Some of the best business advice I’ve ever heard was “don’t work with assholes, meaning don’t give them your money and don’t take their money.” From what I’ve seen and experienced, working with assholes ends up being way more costly in terms of stress, reputation damage, being able to look at yourself in the mirror, and literal money than whatever amount of cash you received in the first place.

In my bones, I am a storyteller. I need, yes need, to get the stories I have to tell in front of the audiences, specifically Black women, that actually care about them. When the audience I live to serve doesn’t match up with the audience my full-time job cares to serve, it’s time to take my talents elsewhere. I’m so grateful that this time around it’s only taken me a few months to listen to my conscience, trust my higher power and bet on myself once again.

I can literally feel my creative juices start flowing again. I can’t wait to restart all of the projects I’ve put on pause over the past year, and to write for a variety of publications that understand me and what I’m about (and to finally travel again! yes, travel while working for a travel magazine was extremely difficult which is a story for another day lol). Surprisingly, I’m not as worried about the financial side of things as I may have been in the past. Maybe it’s due to age and experience, but I trust that everything will work out. What I have to offer is something the world needs right now. Yes I’m scared, but I have a lot of practice with being scared and doing the hard thing anyways.

When I feel my anxiety rising, all I have to do is remember that when I announced my most recent role, nearly all of the feedback that I received from friends and former colleagues was “they’re so lucky to have you!” I finally believe them.